I’m not dating you because it’s convient for me. I’m dating you because we clicked. Sure, we met a long time ago but talking to you personally for the first time was so easy going. I felt comfortable around you. But I don’t know… Maybe I was hyping myself up. That: oh hey, maybe I can get with this guy. Maybe he’ll help me get over my past relationships… Maybe you’re just a rebound.

We’ve been together for over 2 years. The honey moon phase has worn off… And it seems like it’s changed. You don’t put effort into our relationship. And we’re just codependent on each other. This relationship made me lose myself… Or maybe I chose to lose myself.

Before you, I was this girl who wanted to make new friends in a new town. I wanted to be different. I wanted to better myself. But after dating you, I closed myself off again from the world. I wasn’t seeing the new friends I made anymore and devoted all my time and effort into our relationship. I wanted this to work out so bad that I ignored myself.

You’re different now. We don’t have date nights anymore. You spend all your free time gaming. And although we spend the evening side by side in the apartment, it’s not the same–there’s no quality time spent together.

I feel like I put so much effort into keeping our relationship afloat–just to make you happy. Sometimes I wished you’d think of the little things.

And sure, I’d make a promise to get you something but then I changed my mind and you’d get upset at me for not buying it for you. You’d guilt trip me until I gave in. I cried a little inside because it seemed like you were only dating me because I provided for you. You’re like a little kid who’d cry when he gets his candy taken away.

You don’t care for the bigger moments in life. I’d want to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and other special days with you but you wouldn’t care. You do say something the day of but you never go above and beyond. I do my share to make these events special for you but you don’t do the same. Maybe I set my expectations too high. And eventually, I decided that if you weren’t going to put effort to make it special, I wouldn’t either. So I stopped.

I told you I am not a materialistic person but your actions speak louder than words. I don’t need extravagant gifts but if you just took the time out of your day to plan or do something for me, that’d make me happier than anything. But you don’t and it leaves me to think that you have nothing to offer me.

For these two years, I have done more than my share of supporting you and your goals and all I wanted was the same. You say you’ll support me in the future but what will you do for me now? You offer me a stable future, the most amazing wedding… But they’re just false hopes.

You told me that you’ll treat me like a queen, the woman I deserve to feel like but now it is anything but that.

And now my choices lead me to think that this isn’t the relationship I want. That maybe you just aren’t for me.



stop right there. if we go any further than this, we won’t be able to turn back. if we push it, i’ll really fall for you. stop talking to me. no. don’t. i take it back. talk to me. i want to talk to you.

i crave you. i crave your presence. i want more. i want to see you. be right next to you. i want you now.

we’re crossing lines. we can’t look back now. good bye to square one. you’re making me promises. it’s getting me worked up.

i’m hopeful. i like this feeling. i like you. so much.

i see you. you’re staring at me. i make a silly face. we’re laughing. you pinch my cheeks. i scream at you. i smile.

you invite me over. give me a tour of your house. we’re in your bedroom.
i lay on your bed. you lay next to me. you kiss me. i kiss you back. we’re staring at each other.

>>> [skip.] >>>

i stop hearing from you. i text you. you text back. short replies. i wait. you tell me you’re busy.

what is this? i’m scared. i confront you. you invite me over. i drive over.

>>> [skip.] >>>

i’m crying. in disbelief.
We were best friends. We crossed that invisible line. We were intimate. You started liking another girl. I was upset. You told me you wanted to be friends still. I didn’t want it. You hurt me. It’s over [we were never official anyways]. You date her. You miss our friendship. But we crossed that line and I can’t possibly go back. Why would I go back to someone who hurt me?

Big Families

I came across a comment from one of my cousins. He stated,  “If you know that you can’t fully provide for yourself and your family then don’t have such a big family.”

Somehow, that comment really pissed me off. It makes sense but it really nags at me. Like, what’s wrong with having a big family? If raised right, we all love and support one another. I have a big family. I have 7 other siblings and parents. We don’t smoke or drink. We don’t party every fucking weekend. If anything, my family and I  do parties with my uncle’s side of the family. At least we’re good kids. My parents raised good kids. I’m glad they raised us well. And I get that not all big families get along, but mine does. We’re close to one another and actually talk to each other. We’re happy.

Sigh. Anyways, just wanted to get my two-cents down.

Valentine’s Day

​Woke up at 5:30 AM today for work. It went okay. Parents brought in candies for the teachers and I gave a little box of chocolates to my teacher. Got off at 1 PM, walked home, and laid in my bed until 4 PM. I know; what did I do with my time? I could’ve been productive and tackled my homework, but instead, I was on my phone the whole time. This is how I spent most of my days in the past. After that though, I was productive and did my discussion posts for my classes and attended a live classroom with my new teacher. Finally done with it all at 9:30 PM. Now I’m just laying in bed. I should be sleeping but thought I should be recording my days… just something to look back on.

Even though it’s Valentine’s Day, I didn’t do anything with my boyfriend. We didn’t even say Happy Valentine’s Day or anything. I had wanted to get him some things but after thinking about how he wouldn’t do anything in return, I decided to not care. He mentioned long ago that he didn’t care for holidays so I feel I should treat it as such. I personally enjoy holidays so this was quite a letdown. No matter how much effort I put into preparing gifts, he doesn’t do the same. This goes for special events as well like birthdays.

I was also upset about something he told me this past weekend. Note: He currently lives with me (for free). He told his mom that he wants to get an apartment when he gets a stable job but she told him that I can’t live with him, even though he has lived with me. I was hurt by this and texted my older sister about it. She told me that he should stand up for himself and me and tell his mom that we are going to live together no matter what, but if he sides with his parents, then that’s that. I asked him today if he wanted to get an apartment regardless of what his mom said but he replied with “not sure.” All of this has made me feel insecure about our relationship. It’s as if he doesn’t care for my needs anymore and is just being selfish and taking advantage of me. It’s really upsetting for me.

Plus, I get why his mom said we shouldn’t live together but maybe she just doesn’t like me. It really hurts my feelings that he isn’t concentrating on us and our future together. Does he even see a future for us anymore?