Love as a kid

When I was 5 years old, I liked this boy. We’d play together every day at recess. He even visited my house on two occasions with his mom because our mothers were friends. I knew that I liked him. He was literally my best friend. At that age, I didn’t even know what love was. I knew that I liked being around him. Plus, we were even in the same class and even during summer school. It was great.

One time, I wrote his full name on my arm with a pen because I thought it was cool. Like, “Yay! I know how to write his full name! I’m so cool now!” I went to school and showed him and he came to school the next day with my name on his arm. We were best friends.

My siblings made fun of me and told him I liked him. Of course I did. But what I didn’t know was that they were talking about love. And when my parents caught wind that I liked him, they said that we couldn’t be together in the future. Want to know why? … Take a guess…

It’s because his parents are divorced. And that his dad left his mother for another woman. And that when he grows up, he’ll just be like dad. I’ve never heard of this before and was surprised.

I went to school the next day, all sad, and told my friend what happened. He looked at me and said that we’ll still be friends and that he still liked me. It made me really happy.

We’re not friends anymore. He moved away the following year and we never kept in contact. I saw him again in junior high when he moved back into town but we didn’t talk. It’s been years and I was afraid that he’d forgotten about me already. I didn’t have the courage to ask him or tell him anything. To this day, I still want to ask him but I think it’d be weird to just message him about it.

Regardless, I still remember the memories I shared with him. I remember when were were outside for recess and I took my jacket off because it was really warm out and we put them on the side of the school building. When recess was over, I went to put our toys away and when he came back, he had my jacket in his hand and told me, “I got your jacket for you.” Really?… Thinking back, he was the sweetest boy ever.

I heard a lot of things about him throughout high school and even though we weren’t friends, we were at one point. And I’d defend him no matter what others were saying; I’m proud of that.

line

stop right there. if we go any further than this, we won’t be able to turn back. if we push it, i’ll really fall for you. stop talking to me. no. don’t. i take it back. talk to me. i want to talk to you.

i crave you. i crave your presence. i want more. i want to see you. be right next to you. i want you now.

we’re crossing lines. we can’t look back now. good bye to square one. you’re making me promises. it’s getting me worked up.

i’m hopeful. i like this feeling. i like you. so much.

i see you. you’re staring at me. i make a silly face. we’re laughing. you pinch my cheeks. i scream at you. i smile.

you invite me over. give me a tour of your house. we’re in your bedroom.
i lay on your bed. you lay next to me. you kiss me. i kiss you back. we’re staring at each other.

>>> [skip.] >>>

i stop hearing from you. i text you. you text back. short replies. i wait. you tell me you’re busy.

what is this? i’m scared. i confront you. you invite me over. i drive over.

>>> [skip.] >>>

i’m crying. in disbelief.
———-
We were best friends. We crossed that invisible line. We were intimate. You started liking another girl. I was upset. You told me you wanted to be friends still. I didn’t want it. You hurt me. It’s over [we were never official anyways]. You date her. You miss our friendship. But we crossed that line and I can’t possibly go back. Why would I go back to someone who hurt me?

Memories

Something my ex said to me a long time ago:

I used to think to myself every night… “Another day tomorrow.”
I used to think to myself every morning… “Let’s get this day over with.”

Now every morning I think, “Yes, another day.”
And by the end of the day, I wouldn’t be thinking to myself… I would be thinking about you.