Here is to new beginnings… In hopes of moving past the haunting memories of my past. To not letting my mistakes define my worth as a human being. Being able to move on from people who couldn’t provide the support I needed. Here is to understanding that the days are short and growing up. It’s not about forgiving someone for what they have done to me but forgiving myself for giving up on myself. I want to dedicate this post to tonight. To new changes. To a better future. To a better me.
I’m not dating you because it’s convient for me. I’m dating you because we clicked. Sure, we met a long time ago but talking to you personally for the first time was so easy going. I felt comfortable around you. But I don’t know… Maybe I was hyping myself up. That: oh hey, maybe I can get with this guy. Maybe he’ll help me get over my past relationships… Maybe you’re just a rebound.
We’ve been together for over 2 years. The honey moon phase has worn off… And it seems like it’s changed. You don’t put effort into our relationship. And we’re just codependent on each other. This relationship made me lose myself… Or maybe I chose to lose myself.
Before you, I was this girl who wanted to make new friends in a new town. I wanted to be different. I wanted to better myself. But after dating you, I closed myself off again from the world. I wasn’t seeing the new friends I made anymore and devoted all my time and effort into our relationship. I wanted this to work out so bad that I ignored myself.
You’re different now. We don’t have date nights anymore. You spend all your free time gaming. And although we spend the evening side by side in the apartment, it’s not the same–there’s no quality time spent together.
I feel like I put so much effort into keeping our relationship afloat–just to make you happy. Sometimes I wished you’d think of the little things.
And sure, I’d make a promise to get you something but then I changed my mind and you’d get upset at me for not buying it for you. You’d guilt trip me until I gave in. I cried a little inside because it seemed like you were only dating me because I provided for you. You’re like a little kid who’d cry when he gets his candy taken away.
You don’t care for the bigger moments in life. I’d want to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and other special days with you but you wouldn’t care. You do say something the day of but you never go above and beyond. I do my share to make these events special for you but you don’t do the same. Maybe I set my expectations too high. And eventually, I decided that if you weren’t going to put effort to make it special, I wouldn’t either. So I stopped.
I told you I am not a materialistic person but your actions speak louder than words. I don’t need extravagant gifts but if you just took the time out of your day to plan or do something for me, that’d make me happier than anything. But you don’t and it leaves me to think that you have nothing to offer me.
For these two years, I have done more than my share of supporting you and your goals and all I wanted was the same. You say you’ll support me in the future but what will you do for me now? You offer me a stable future, the most amazing wedding… But they’re just false hopes.
You told me that you’ll treat me like a queen, the woman I deserve to feel like but now it is anything but that.
And now my choices lead me to think that this isn’t the relationship I want. That maybe you just aren’t for me.
I’ve had my share of relationships that turned sour. Sometimes, it just doesn’t work between two people anymore. What do you do when it comes to leaving? How do you find closure? Do you confront people? Or do you talk yourself out for closure? I’ve done both before. And although talking with the individual helps me find closure faster, self-closure is something I will do if push comes to shove.
Moreover, I’ve heard someone say once that you don’t really need closure but others would disagree.
Aside from that, have you ever “up and left” someone before? Just completely blocked them off from your life for reasons? And if you have, did you warn them ahead of time or just left without a word?
I’ve been through these types of situations before. They were painful moments at the time, but I’ve tried to push on nonetheless. Anyways, just something to rant about tonight since I want to use the “closure” term to talk to someone again. Sigh. But I keep telling myself that, “I’m better than this. I deserve better.” Let’s see what breaks first. My mind. Or my heart.
Today is my birthday. I didn’t really do anything. My family and boyfriend wished me a happy birthday and although I’m thankful for the little things in my life, I wanted more out of today. Ideally, I wanted a cake and candles and a little fancy party or surprise. Although my family will probably celebrate my birthday over the weekend, I just wished they celebrated it today, on my special day. And I’m not one to go out and drink and party with friends, partly because I don’t have any, so that’s out of the question. I don’t know… The only gifts I got was from my four-year-old brother who gave me two cards saying “I love you” (even though it wasn’t spelled correctly) and a drawing of a cake. He also wrapped up a notebook as a birthday present for me. It was cute and thoughtful.
I woke up this morning thinking that my boyfriend had forgotten, since he isn’t big on holidays, but he said hbd. Even though I wanted him to be the first, I’m glad my older sister said it first (the one that I talk to the most nowadays with).
All I did today was watch anime (New Game) and stayed in my apartment.
Lately I’ve been contemplating life. If I’m truly happy with what I’m doing. If I want to do anything else. But for now, I’ll just sit here and continue with my work.
Happy 22nd birthday to me. On this day, 22 years ago, I was born. I’m thankful for this life…