line

stop right there. if we go any further than this, we won’t be able to turn back. if we push it, i’ll really fall for you. stop talking to me. no. don’t. i take it back. talk to me. i want to talk to you.

i crave you. i crave your presence. i want more. i want to see you. be right next to you. i want you now.

we’re crossing lines. we can’t look back now. good bye to square one. you’re making me promises. it’s getting me worked up.

i’m hopeful. i like this feeling. i like you. so much.

i see you. you’re staring at me. i make a silly face. we’re laughing. you pinch my cheeks. i scream at you. i smile.

you invite me over. give me a tour of your house. we’re in your bedroom.
i lay on your bed. you lay next to me. you kiss me. i kiss you back. we’re staring at each other.

>>> [skip.] >>>

i stop hearing from you. i text you. you text back. short replies. i wait. you tell me you’re busy.

what is this? i’m scared. i confront you. you invite me over. i drive over.

>>> [skip.] >>>

i’m crying. in disbelief.
———-
We were best friends. We crossed that invisible line. We were intimate. You started liking another girl. I was upset. You told me you wanted to be friends still. I didn’t want it. You hurt me. It’s over [we were never official anyways]. You date her. You miss our friendship. But we crossed that line and I can’t possibly go back. Why would I go back to someone who hurt me?

Memories

Something my ex said to me a long time ago:

I used to think to myself every night… “Another day tomorrow.”
I used to think to myself every morning… “Let’s get this day over with.”

Now every morning I think, “Yes, another day.”
And by the end of the day, I wouldn’t be thinking to myself… I would be thinking about you.

What is closure?

I’ve had my share of relationships that turned sour. Sometimes, it just doesn’t work between two people anymore. What do you do when it comes to leaving? How do you find closure? Do you confront people? Or do you talk yourself out for closure? I’ve done both before. And although talking with the individual helps me find closure faster, self-closure is something I will do if push comes to shove.

Moreover, I’ve heard someone say once that you don’t really need closure but others would disagree.

Aside from that, have you ever “up and left” someone before? Just completely blocked them off from your life for reasons? And if you have, did you warn them ahead of time or just left without a word?

I’ve been through these types of situations before. They were painful moments at the time, but I’ve tried to push on nonetheless. Anyways, just something to rant about tonight since I want to use the “closure” term to talk to someone again. Sigh. But I keep telling myself that, “I’m better than this. I deserve better.” Let’s see what breaks first. My mind. Or my heart.

Hi ex

I dreamed about my ex today. It was weird. I know I have been thinking about him but it was weird to see him in my dreams. In my dream, he came over to my parent’s house for a party. I was excited to see him. I thought he was going to be the only one who was coming but when I saw him, he brought his friends along as well. I was confused. I forgot much of it but he left expectantly and I was sad all of a sudden.

Whenever I have these dreams, I don’t know what to think of it. Does it mean I miss him? Or does it have another meaning?

Anyways, lately I’ve been thinking way too much. I think I’m just unhappy with where I am in life right now.

Happy birthday to me.

Today is my birthday. I didn’t really do anything. My family and boyfriend wished me a happy birthday and although I’m thankful for the little things in my life, I wanted more out of today. Ideally, I wanted a cake and candles and a little fancy party or surprise. Although my family will probably celebrate my birthday over the weekend, I just wished they celebrated it today, on my special day. And I’m not one to go out and drink and party with friends, partly because I don’t have any, so that’s out of the question. I don’t know… The only gifts I got was from my four-year-old brother who gave me two cards saying “I love you” (even though it wasn’t spelled correctly) and a drawing of a cake. He also wrapped up a notebook as a birthday present for me. It was cute and thoughtful.

I woke up this morning thinking that my boyfriend had forgotten, since he isn’t big on holidays, but he said hbd. Even though I wanted him to be the first, I’m glad my older sister said it first (the one that I talk to the most nowadays with).

All I did today was watch anime (New Game) and stayed in my apartment.

Lately I’ve been contemplating life. If I’m truly happy with what I’m doing. If I want to do anything else. But for now, I’ll just sit here and continue with my work.

Happy 22nd birthday to me. On this day, 22 years ago, I was born. I’m thankful for this life…

First crush?

Hey guys, do you still have feelings for a first crush? I was just thinking about my first crush (from Kindergarten) and I feel like I’m still crushing on him (even though I’m in a relationship). I’m 21 now FYI. Long story short, we were grade school friends but he moved away (we both liked each other — kinda like best friends) and we met again in junior high school. Although, we didn’t talk to each other, mainly because we didn’t have classes together and I didn’t think he remembered me. I still think he is attractive and can remember our childhood moments.

So friends, do you remember your first crush? Are you currently crushing on someone? Tell me your stories.

Big Families

I came across a comment from one of my cousins. He stated,  “If you know that you can’t fully provide for yourself and your family then don’t have such a big family.”

Somehow, that comment really pissed me off. It makes sense but it really nags at me. Like, what’s wrong with having a big family? If raised right, we all love and support one another. I have a big family. I have 7 other siblings and parents. We don’t smoke or drink. We don’t party every fucking weekend. If anything, my family and I  do parties with my uncle’s side of the family. At least we’re good kids. My parents raised good kids. I’m glad they raised us well. And I get that not all big families get along, but mine does. We’re close to one another and actually talk to each other. We’re happy.

Sigh. Anyways, just wanted to get my two-cents down.