Here is to new beginnings… In hopes of moving past the haunting memories of my past. To not letting my mistakes define my worth as a human being. Being able to move on from people who couldn’t provide the support I needed. Here is to understanding that the days are short and growing up. It’s not about forgiving someone for what they have done to me but forgiving myself for giving up on myself. I want to dedicate this post to tonight. To new changes. To a better future. To a better me.
When I was 5 years old, I liked this boy. We’d play together every day at recess. He even visited my house on two occasions with his mom because our mothers were friends. I knew that I liked him. He was literally my best friend. At that age, I didn’t even know what love was. I knew that I liked being around him. Plus, we were even in the same class and even during summer school. It was great.
One time, I wrote his full name on my arm with a pen because I thought it was cool. Like, “Yay! I know how to write his full name! I’m so cool now!” I went to school and showed him and he came to school the next day with my name on his arm. We were best friends.
My siblings made fun of me and told him I liked him. Of course I did. But what I didn’t know was that they were talking about love. And when my parents caught wind that I liked him, they said that we couldn’t be together in the future. Want to know why? … Take a guess…
It’s because his parents are divorced. And that his dad left his mother for another woman. And that when he grows up, he’ll just be like dad. I’ve never heard of this before and was surprised.
I went to school the next day, all sad, and told my friend what happened. He looked at me and said that we’ll still be friends and that he still liked me. It made me really happy.
We’re not friends anymore. He moved away the following year and we never kept in contact. I saw him again in junior high when he moved back into town but we didn’t talk. It’s been years and I was afraid that he’d forgotten about me already. I didn’t have the courage to ask him or tell him anything. To this day, I still want to ask him but I think it’d be weird to just message him about it.
Regardless, I still remember the memories I shared with him. I remember when were were outside for recess and I took my jacket off because it was really warm out and we put them on the side of the school building. When recess was over, I went to put our toys away and when he came back, he had my jacket in his hand and told me, “I got your jacket for you.” Really?… Thinking back, he was the sweetest boy ever.
I heard a lot of things about him throughout high school and even though we weren’t friends, we were at one point. And I’d defend him no matter what others were saying; I’m proud of that.
No lie, I miss you
Whenever I start feeling lonely, I think of you
I miss how I felt when you were there
How comfortable I was and just feeling your presence
But it’s crazy you know…
I don’t miss how you mistreated me
The things you’d say to people
Things that were only for us to share and hear
How awful of a person I was to you
And how much you hated me
So I don’t know why I miss you
Was it because you were my best friend
And I feel like I’m missing out on something now that you’re gone?
Maybe I miss how loving you were
Aside from the asshole you were, you were a romantic
So charismatic, so daring, so different
But I couldn’t love you
Because I just didn’t know how to love
And maybe I shouldn’t have loved
But I did
And you taught me love
I think that’s why our relationship was so meaningful
I’m not dating you because it’s convient for me. I’m dating you because we clicked. Sure, we met a long time ago but talking to you personally for the first time was so easy going. I felt comfortable around you. But I don’t know… Maybe I was hyping myself up. That: oh hey, maybe I can get with this guy. Maybe he’ll help me get over my past relationships… Maybe you’re just a rebound.
We’ve been together for over 2 years. The honey moon phase has worn off… And it seems like it’s changed. You don’t put effort into our relationship. And we’re just codependent on each other. This relationship made me lose myself… Or maybe I chose to lose myself.
Before you, I was this girl who wanted to make new friends in a new town. I wanted to be different. I wanted to better myself. But after dating you, I closed myself off again from the world. I wasn’t seeing the new friends I made anymore and devoted all my time and effort into our relationship. I wanted this to work out so bad that I ignored myself.
You’re different now. We don’t have date nights anymore. You spend all your free time gaming. And although we spend the evening side by side in the apartment, it’s not the same–there’s no quality time spent together.
I feel like I put so much effort into keeping our relationship afloat–just to make you happy. Sometimes I wished you’d think of the little things.
And sure, I’d make a promise to get you something but then I changed my mind and you’d get upset at me for not buying it for you. You’d guilt trip me until I gave in. I cried a little inside because it seemed like you were only dating me because I provided for you. You’re like a little kid who’d cry when he gets his candy taken away.
You don’t care for the bigger moments in life. I’d want to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and other special days with you but you wouldn’t care. You do say something the day of but you never go above and beyond. I do my share to make these events special for you but you don’t do the same. Maybe I set my expectations too high. And eventually, I decided that if you weren’t going to put effort to make it special, I wouldn’t either. So I stopped.
I told you I am not a materialistic person but your actions speak louder than words. I don’t need extravagant gifts but if you just took the time out of your day to plan or do something for me, that’d make me happier than anything. But you don’t and it leaves me to think that you have nothing to offer me.
For these two years, I have done more than my share of supporting you and your goals and all I wanted was the same. You say you’ll support me in the future but what will you do for me now? You offer me a stable future, the most amazing wedding… But they’re just false hopes.
You told me that you’ll treat me like a queen, the woman I deserve to feel like but now it is anything but that.
And now my choices lead me to think that this isn’t the relationship I want. That maybe you just aren’t for me.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I’m no longer your news, and you’re no longer mine. But I can’t help but check up on you. I know we’re much happier apart but some days I wonder what it’d be like to talk to each other again. You have your friends and I have mine, but I can’t seem to forget that we were the best of friends at one point. Maybe we’ll meet in another life time. We were young and naive…only had our eyes on each other. I didn’t think there would be a day that I’d meet someone else who isn’t you.
Found this quote on Facebook today:
One day you’ll love me, the way I loved you. One day you’ll think of me, the way I thought of you. One day you’ll cry for me, the way I cried for you. One day you’ll want me, but I won’t want you.
This made me think of the boy I fell in love with years ago. These words couldn’t be more true. And even at the end of our relationship, no matter how much I appreciated the time we spent together, it just wasn’t meant to be. I just didn’t love him anymore. I only hung onto him because I didn’t want to let go and be lonely.
After I cut ties with him, although I do feel lonely sometimes, I feel free. Freed from years of heartache and unhealthy emotional attachments. I am no longer hung over a man who wasn’t meant for me.
Everyone experiences love differently with each person they know. Here’s a story from my past with someone.
I was REALLY young when I fell head over heels with this guy. He was charming, funny, confident, and a jerk sometimes. I confessed to him but was ultimately rejected. I didn’t know at the time, but he had a girlfriend. Even though I was rejected I continued to talk to him here and there over the course of a few years.
It wasn’t until three or four years later (when we were both single) that we starting flirting. It was around December to January when we really hit it off. I knew that this time, he wanted to pursue a relationship with me. We would talk every night over the phone and he’d text me throughout the day. I literally dreamed about him for a week straight; weird right? On top of that, we’d Skype and he even introduced me to his mom. It was hilarious.
And whenever he’d go party, he’d never forget about me. He’d call and tell his friends to say hi to me over the phone. And he always tried to not call me when he’s drunk for fear of saying something he shouldn’t. It was nice when we’d sleep with the call still on. It was an unofficial relationship I felt. But he didn’t ask me out for fear of the long-distance-relationship not working out (as he mentioned to me before because of a previous relationship he had).
Although this relationship never amounted to anything more, I’m glad that we’ve both found someone in our lives now and are happy. Sometimes I miss the love I experienced with this certain individual. It really felt like romance in movies.